According to Joan, I'm almost perfect. In the past I've been considered a lot more flawed than that, so this is definitely an improvement on my report card. Oh, she wants me to eat more vegetables. And then there's my clothes.
Working in the Post Office, where they supply you what you wear, I can't say that I've ever developed into a clothes horse. And, quite frankly, after I retired and much of my time out of the house was spent wandering the trails around Montara Mountain I didn't much pay attention to my slovenly dress.
There are two areas Joan has specific problems with. My baggy jeans and my sweatshirts. For some reason I seem to have lost my ass over the years. My jeans kind of slide down back there. It's one thing to be a gang-banger with your pants down, that's the style, it's another thing to be geriatric and have it happen. That just looks sad. Plus, since I left the Post Office I've lost a bit of weight, around 45 pounds since my high water mark, so while I'm not svelte I'm not as unsvelte as I used to be, which further enables the seat of my jeans to flap in a good breeze. She wants to get me into pants that fit, so to speak.
But what really gets her girlfriend fashion stuff going are my sweatshirts. I have an old blue pullover which is frayed. There are stains down the front. This is what I have instead of a teddy bear to comfort me in moments of stress. Better than a bulletproof vest in a crossfire. Then there is my gray zip-up hoodie. I don't have as much attachment to it as to the blue sweatshirt, but it's very functional as an outer layer in my Portland dress. I guess her problem is that, along with the baggy jeans, I give off the aura of a homeless person. Not that there's anything wrong with a homeless person (aside from living on the edge, having personal hygiene issues and sometimes having mental and substance abuse problems). Another thing. These gray hoodies are de rigueur if you happen to rob drugs from pharmacies or hold up convenience stores. The other day someone in a gray hoodie robbed a bank.
These are some recent robbers as caught on security cameras.
Okay, the last one was me. You get to absorb my entire sense of style in that picture.
It's not that I don't want to spend money on clothes. It's just that I'd rather spend it on other stuff. Musical stuff, for example. I love internet radios too. The other day I got a Hammacher Schlemmer catalog and if I had the bucks there's a lot of expensive junk I'd love to indulge in. What really caught my eye was the world's only "indoor pressure smoker" which from the looks and description appears to be a pressure cooker that also smokes your food. I like barbeque, and throwing into a gadget on the counter and coming back an hour later and eating all that smokey goodness does appeal to my stomach. But three hundred bucks for a indoor pressure smoker is
a little extravagent for my current budget. I noticed that there are a lot of devices for blood circulation in your legs, which suggests that the average shopper at Hammacher Schlemmer has aged a bit over the years. Then there's a nifty looking Celtic pocketwatch, although I haven't needed a watch of any kind since I got my cell phone.
But with a few exceptions (the self-heating slippers, the full-length Turkish bathrobe) there isn't a whole lot of clothes in that catalog, and I'm sure Joanie wouldn't particularly want to explore the neighborhoods and shops of Portland with me in a bathrobe and slippers.