Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) was jubilant today after his newly unveiled budget plan picked up a key endorsement from the novelist Ayn Rand.
It was a rare public utterance for the late Ms. Rand, who has been damned to eternal torment in Satan’s lake of fire since 1982.
“This is a budget I wish I had written,” said Ms. Rand, pausing to scream as white-hot flames licked her face. “Paul Ryan is a great man and I look forward to meeting him someday.”
Rep. Ryan acknowledged Ms. Rand’s praise with humility, telling reporters, “There’s no trick to cutting $4.6 trillion once you take a hard look at failed ideas of the past, such as the social contract.”
Mr. Ryan added, “Unlike the Democrats’ plan, my budget has new ideas, like cutting two of the four food groups and classifying large sodas as medicine.”
Ms. Rand’s thumbs-up capped a victory lap of sorts for Mr. Ryan, who earlier in the day garnered an endorsement from Marie Antoinette.
This sad news from The Onion about Tom Hanks:
Millions across the planet expressed astonishment and exasperation earlier today, saying they no longer had any idea who to admire following beloved film actor Tom Hanks’ brutal Wednesday morning murder spree that claimed the lives of five. “Okay, honestly? Tom Hanks now?” said Los Angeles woman Marie Irvine, 43, echoing the voices of millions of human beings worldwide who reported being devastated by recent events like Oscar Pistorius’ murder trial, Lance Armstrong’s doping admission, and new accounts confirming that the Forrest Gump star strangled a family of five in Burbank before sitting down on their couch and calmly waiting for the police to arrive. “I literally don’t know who I’m supposed to look up to and revere at this point. Who are the good, respectable people in the world again? Because I was pretty much down to just Tom Hanks before this happened.” A majority of people reported feeling even more let down by Tom Hanks’ series of homicides considering they had already forgiven the actor for a 2006 drunk driving rampage that killed 12 children.
